Archive for August, 2006

Big Babies, Breastfeeding and Binkies

August 27, 2006

How is that for a title?? Amelia is 13 lbs. 3 oz. (as of this last Thursday), she is only one pound smaller at 2 months than Emma was at 4 months!!! She really is a chunk! Such a happy girl though, makes my life much easier.

August is World Breastfeeding Month. What does this mean for me? Well, since I am a breastfeeding Mama, I take pride in knowing that there is an entire month to support, empower and educate women about breastfeeding.
The Utah Breastfeeding Coalition and La Leche League of Salt Lake had a Breastfeeding Cafe’ this month at the Downtown Library. This has been such a neat opportunity for so many women to educate and be educated. The library is set up with many shops and one space is called the Share space. It is for non-profit organizations. We set up shop there this month. We have had raffles, massages, comfy chairs (thank you Babies R Us!!) and no shortage of breastfeeding Moms in the cafe’.
I have volunteered as much as my time would allow with 2 small children. I have talked to men, women, children, teenagers, Mothers, Grandmothers, Aunts, Uncles, Fathers, Grandfathers, all walks of life really. I have educated and been educated. I have laughed with Moms and my heart has broken with them. There were women who came from a long legacy of breastfeeding women. Women who were trailblazers in their own right. Women who did what they felt was right, breastfed their babies. Women who, without any help from anyone else, did what came naturally, fed their children.
I also met women who have never known anyone who breastfed. Women who want to breastfeed,. but don’t know how. One woman like this came into the cafe one day. She came by and told me she was pregnant and due in January with her first child. She was thinking about breastfeeding, but didn’t know anyone who ever had. Her Mother and sisters and friends all formula fed. I gave her some information and she left. She came back about 15 minutes later and sat for an hour. She asked me questions like, “how will I know if I have enough milk?”, and “why do breastfed babies nurse so much?”. She was also wondering about cosleeping, pacifiers and slings.
It really has been such a neat experience to talk to so many people and be able to share my passion for breastfeeding with lots of Moms! πŸ™‚

Binkies…ugh, the bain of my existance. Not really, but it is a constant battle in my home. Seth used a binkie until 7 months when he weaned himself of it. Well, in May he found one in his room and started sucking on it. Now he wants it ALL the time!!! It drives me nuts. I’ve been trying to figure out why it makes me so crazy. Is it because I can’t understand him when he talks? Because it gives him red chapped lips? Or, is it because I can’t stand the way it looks? Really, all of the above, but I absolutely hate the way it looks. It drives me nuts. But, is it worth the battles? Is this a battle I should fight? Is it really that important overall? Probably not. I’d rather he be honest, respectful, and polite. If I can get those things and he still wants a binkie…well, then I guess I’m doing something right.

It has taken me 4 days to write this! My in-laws are here this week and we are having lots of fun with them; thus me not finishing this!!

3 years…

August 24, 2006

I can not believe that it has been 3 years since my darling daughter left us. The last 3 years have been very difficult, but also joyous. We’ve lost our Emma, but gained Seth and Amelia. While Emma will never be replaced, it really is nice to fill our arms and days with the sweet sounds of children.
Today we hung around the house most of the day. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, so I didn’t. I guess that it is my perogative. Then we went and got our ladybugs, orange and pink roses and some balloons. Jeremy, the kids, Marge and I went to the cemetary and fixed up Emma’s spot. The flowers looked perfect and the ladybugs were flying everywhere. We got some great pictures of the ladybugs on all of us (including Amelia’s head!). Seth loved the ladybugs. He loves going to visit his sister. He climbs all over her headstone, and I really don’t mind.

Anyway, back to Emma. Man sakes I miss that girl. One of Seth’s best friends, Aurora, is just weeks older than Emma. I love watching them play together. They laugh and play and fight and make up…they are just like siblings I think. It gives me a good idea of what my life would be like when I am with the two of them. They are true partners in crime. Sometimes I think that God brought this sweet little girl into our lives to help heal my heart.

When I think about what Emma would be like now, well I often romanticize it. I like to think that she would be perfect and that I would never be upset with her, never have to discipline her, never have to tell her to be nice to her brother. I know, all unrealistic. But, I do it.
If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would know that Emma would be in trouble at times…she had a mischevious gleam in her eye…she would bug her brother and tease him. She wouldn’t be the most helpful little girl all the time either. I know that in my head (somewhere), but mostly, I think she’d be the perfect angel that she was when I held her in my arms.

I have lots of conflicting emotions too when I think about Emma. I wish that she were here. I wish that she had never died (obviously). But, then I start thinking how my life would be different. Would Seth and Amelia be here? How old would they be? I don’t think I would have gotten pregnant with Seth when I did if Emma had lived. And if I didn’t get pregnant with Seth when I did, when would I have gotten pregnant with Amelia? I want Emma here, but I also want Seth and Amelia here. I want my cake and to eat it too. I want all 3 of my children here and healthy and happy.

**WARNING**
I will now talk about Emma after she died, if you are at all squeamish or in a fragile emotional state, do not read this. Scroll down to the next set of astriks.

I have also been thinking about the last time I held Emma today. I wish I could have held her longer when she was still warm. When she was in the hospital after she died, I got to hold her. However, they couldn’t remove the intubation tube until after the coroner was able to do the autopsy. So, I held her, but I had to hold her with tubes and things in her. I wish I could have held her longer. I wish that when I heard them doing suction on her in the ambulance, and it sounded like she was going to cry, that she really was going to cry. I wish that when I moved her and heard the air come out of her lungs past her vocal chords that it wouldn’t have been the last time I heard the sound of her voice. I wish that the last time I wiped off her face, it wouldn’t have been the blood on her face. I wish I could have given her a bath on the night of Saturday, August 23 and then clipped her nails and taken her to church the next day with me. I wish her first haircut hadn’t happened in the ER room where I held her lifeless body. I wish that the last time I sang to her was tonight when she went to bed, not as I rocked her in the chair in the room where the doctors worked so hard to bring her back to life.
If wishes were pennies…

***Ok, I am done with the more vivid things, but it may still be sad to read**

I often wonder what Emma would look like at 3 years 8 months 8 days. That is how old she would be today. Would her hair have stayed so dark? Would she look more like her Daddy or me now? I want to find some age progression software and see what she’d look like, maybe. I keep praying that God will give me a glimpse of what she’d look like, but it doesn’t happen. I guess I’m just not ready.

I am tired. I am really tired of grieving, it is tough work. I am really tired of being so angry. I just want to be able to accept 100% that Emma is gone and that it truly is God’s will. I just don’t know how to let go of all this anger. I am so angry that Emma doesn’t get to grow up with her siblings. That they don’t get to make memories together like siblings should. That they don’t know her. That when we pass cemetaries, Seth says he wants to go see Emma. That they think she lives there. I hate that there is one person in our family that most everyone will only know through stories, pictures and videos. I hate that Amelia doesn’t have an older sister to teach her about makeup and boys. I hate that Seth doesn’t have an older sister to teach him how to treat girls, how to dance, and to laugh and play with. I hate it for my children. It makes me so damn mad.
What else am I angry about?? I am so sick of people assuming that I just have 2 children. I have 3 beautiful children. One was just too good for this sick world. Doesn’t make it any easier to know that though. I still think of all the days I’ve missed with her. All the birthdays and Christmases. She never got to have a Halloween, Thanksgiving or Birthday. She missed all of those things. They’ve all been celebrated with her spirit in Heaven and her sweet body in the cold earth. I am so angry that she was ripped from me. From my breast. From my bed. From my life.
I am also so angry that I know more than any 29 year old should know; and I knew it at 26. I know what to do when a baby dies. I am the person people come to for help when they know someone who has lost a child. I am always glad to help, but I hate that I know how to. I listen to songs about people who have died and I listen to them over and over and over and just cry. I wonder who the people who wrote those songs lost. Who was it that caused them so much pain in missing them? Who was it that gave them the inspiration to write these hauntingly beautiful, and true, songs? I always pray it wasn’t their child.
I am so angry that I hurt so bad still. But mostly, I am angry that I am still so MAD. I just want to be ok. I want to let go, but there is so much anger. I didn’t even scratch the surface of my anger in this blog tonight. I would get carpal tunnel if I tried.

I miss her. I miss her so much it hurts. I wonder everyday what she’d be like. There is a song by Kenny Chesney, Who You’d Be Today — it says, “sometimes I wonder who you’d be today”. I sing it, “I always wonder who you’d be today”. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of Emma. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I cry inside several times everyday. My heart breaks more everyday. I didn’t think it was possible; I thought that my heart had already been broken into a zillion pieces, but there are more pieces to break. I learn that everyday.
I realized today that I have nursed a baby for the last 3 years on this day (and many others), but tomorrow I can’t say that. Three years ago tomorrow, I would have given anything to nurse my baby. I prayed that the coroner would call and tell me to come get my baby. That she was alive, that it was all a big mistake. I thought if I had enough faith, that would happen. I know now that faith had nothing to do with it…

You know, as much as I hurt and as angry as I am, I am SO glad that I know I’ll see Emma again. I think of people who have no faith in God and how much harder it must be for them. I can’t even imagine.
I have a headache, I need to finish up here. Amelia is going to nurse soon and I want to just hold her so tight. She is looking more like Emma everyday. I slip and call her Emma a lot too. I want to change her name so it isn’t so close to Emma. Oh well, too late now. I just want to hold my babies and let them know how much I love them. I want them to know how glad I am that they are here. I never want them to think I don’t love them or need them or want them. I want them to know that they are EACH my favorites.

Emma ~ Goodnight my Angel, I love you, I miss you more than you know. My heart aches to hold you, my eyes want to see you, my hands want to touch you. Our time was cut too short. There are so many things I wanted to teach you, show you, and do with you. Someday my angel, someday. Until then, I will do all I can to be worthy of being your Mama. I will see you again my darling daughter…

Interviews & Sore Legs

August 22, 2006

Ok, so we have lots going on right now in our home. First, Jeremy has 2 interviews next week!!! One is on Monday for a job in Pennsylvania (I can’t remember where Shannon, but Jer told me it is north of you) and the other is in Warsaw, IN on Wednesday!

Now for the sore legs…Seth has had a very strange week. On Sunday morning he couldn’t walk when he woke up. He also had a slight fever, so we took him to the Urgent Care center. They decided it was a virus that was causing joint pain for him. Well, we’ve had him on motrin since and he’s been doing better, but still limping.
Today, he’s been complaining of both knees and legs hurting. So, I took him back to the doc. It seems to be worse when he first wakes up or after he’s been sitting for a while. They ordered x-rays and a blood draw. Seth was SO brave getting 4 vials of blood drawn! I was so impressed with him. He did cry, but he really did good.

Because of our dumb medicaid insurance, we had to go to one hospital for the blood draw and a different one for the x-rays! Made for a long mornng. The x-rays didn’t show any breaks, so we were sent home.

This guessing game is hard. I just want my boy to be healthy and strong again 😦

Amelia is crying, so I will update you all later. Pray for good interviews and for answers to Seths legs.

Arthritis in a 2 year old????

August 20, 2006

Seems unlikely, but apparently that is what is happening here! Seth woke up this morning and can’t put any weight on his right leg. His knee is swollen and he has a slight fever. So, we took him to the Urgent Care center. I guess that sometimes viruses can cause swollen joints and arthritis! We’ve been instructed to give him ibuprofen and lots of fluids and see if it gets any better. If not, we’ll take him to the doctor tomorrow. I hate when my baby is in pain. It just breaks my heart.

Jeremy’s Mom is here, we are so excited to have her with us. Seth has been so excited to have Grandma here and can’t wait for “Greggor Grandpa” to come next week! πŸ™‚ Jer’s brother, Brad and wife Karen, have also just moved out here. It will be fun to have more family around.

On the job front…nothing, nada, zip. Something will come up though, we just know it. He has a couple irons in the fire, so we are hoping for something soon.

Amelia will go in for her 2 month check up on Thursday. I am excited to see how much she has gained. She’s quite the chunk. She is smiling so much now and really is such a content baby. We have fun with her.

Emma’s Angel Day is on Wednesday. Not looking forward to it. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years. 3 very long years…

How hard can it be??

August 17, 2006

I have a favorite diaper cover from WeeBees. It is nylon (it dries really fast) and has adjustable snaps (read – fits my babies skinny thighs!). I am in desperate need of some new ones and the website is GONE! I am so sad!!! So, I am now on the search for a new diaper cover. Stephanie and I are talking about making our own…but knowing the two of us like I do, I don’t see that happening.

Not much is going on with us right now…same old, same old. Jeremy’s Mom, Marge, is flying in on Saturday, we are so excited to see her. She will spend some time with us, then go up to Logan to see her folks. Jer’s brother, Brad and his wife Karen, are moving out here on Friday. It will be fun to have them closer.

Let’s see…some funny Sethisms…he came up to me the other day and said, “Hey, wake up Funky Mama!”. He cracks me up on a daily basis!

Ah…the sound of silence

August 11, 2006

I never realized how much I could enjoy the sound of the dryer, the swing and my fingers tapping on the keyboard πŸ™‚ Seth is down for a nap, Amelia is asleep in her swing and I have a few minutes to myself. So, what do I do?? I get online. πŸ™‚

We went to see the midwife yesterday for my 6 week checkup. Amelia is 7 weeks old today and weighs 12 lbs!!! She has also grown 2 inches since birth. She’s a big girl! She really has a good temperment…most of the time.

Today, I had a very bad Mommy moment. We were in the car and Amelia was FREAKING out. She was really getting borderline hysterical, so I told Jeremy to pull over anywhere so I could nurse her. She didn’t want to eat, so I changed her diaper. That didn’t help either. So, as I was trying to figure out what was wrong with her, Seth was screaming “KANGA, KANGA, KANGA!!! GIVE HER HER BINKIE! KANGA, WHAT’S WRONG?” and other things that were not so helpful. I told him to shut up. Oh man do I feel bad. I also smacked his mouth because he wouldn’t stop screaming. Oh, the look on his face…I feel like the absolute worst mother in the world. When I went in to tuck him in for his nap I apologized again and he said, “You don’t hit me in the car anymore.” Oh man, if that doesn’t break your heart… 😦

I think the stress is getting to me. I think I’ve adjusted pretty well to having 2 earth bound angels with me. But, this whole job thing. Jeremy is home all the time, and while I know he isn’t, I feel like he’s watching me and judging everything I do. I know he isn’t…but it is hard havig him here 24/7. I know it’s hard for him too. I just wish that some company out there would see what a great person he is and how qualified he is and give him a job!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot about faith recently. It is funny, I have faith that I will see Emma again. I have faith that my family is eternal. I can have faith in the promises God has made in that respect. But, I’m having a really hard time believing that we will always be taken care of. We have one month left, then we’ll be in a “van down by the river” (thanks Chris Farley!). While we joke about that a lot, it is a real fear for us. We do what the Lord has asked of us, we pay our tithing, we pay our fast offerings (tithing is 10% of our income given to the Lord, and Fast Offerings is whatever we can give once a month to help those who are less fortuneate – usually equivelent to the 2 meals you miss when fasting). We’ve been promised that if we do these things, we will never be in need of the necessities…but I’m a little selfish, I want some comforts. I want to be able to go get a muffin if I want one from Wild Oats. I want to buy Ice Cream when I’m at the grocery store if I feel like it. I want to be able to get my kids that cute outfit that is on clearance at Target….I’m selfish like that I guess.
Ah faith…to hope for things which are not seen, but which are true. I just have such a hard time seeing that this will end, but I know it will. It’s like the story my Mom has told me many times about how you have to take a step (or lots in our case) in the darkness and then the light will come. It will come.

So, on a good point…I’m going to be an aunt again! Jeremy’s sister, Melissa, is pregnant. She is scared but way excited. So am I!!! As you all know, I am quite a birth junkie, I am an advocate for educated birth (whether it is natural or medicated) and breastfeeding. It is hard for me to bite my tongue and wait for her to ask questions, but I am bound and determined to do so. I don’t want to be that crazy sister-in-law who pushes her and she gets sick of hearing from me πŸ™‚ So…I am just so thrilled and sitting back πŸ™‚ I figure it’s good practice for when my children have babies. I’ll have to do the same thing then too! πŸ™‚

Well, I don’t know how much longer my silence will last, so I better get to the other things I need to do during this beautiful time.

Until next time…

Amelia Mae

August 7, 2006

As promised, here is Amelia’s birth story!

Amelia Mae Borchert’s Birth Story

June was an interesting month for me. I was ready at any moment for Amelia to be born, but wasn’t really sure if my body could do it. For some reason I didn’t know if my body could do it. I was fine when Seth was born, I went into labor on my own, so I am not sure why I thought that, but I did.

So on June 12, Stephanie, my sister in law, had her baby. I just knew I would be next. I thought for sure that I would have my baby that week. On the night of the 14th, I was having really regular contractions and they were getting longer, stronger and closer together. These were the hallmarks of labor. So, I called my midwife, Vivian. She was at a birth and sent another midwife, Heather, to come be with me. My doula Heidi came and I was ready. Jeremy had out the video camera, I was in the birth tub, I was ready to go. However ready I was, Amelia wasn’t. About 4:00 am, everything just stopped. Everyone was here, I felt really dumb. I sent everyone home and went to bed.

The next week was really long. At the beginning of labor with the other 2 babies, my water broke. So that is what I was expecting. I kept waiting for my water to break. I had it in my mind that I wouldn’t call Vivian until my water broke. I didn’t want everyone here, just to send them home again. So, I was a bit cautious.

On the 21st I was awake until 3 am with contractions. Then they stopped. The morning of the 22nd, I woke up at 4:00 am with contractions again. I was also having bloody show (which I had the day Seth was born). So, I tried to get as much sleep as I could and at 7, finally got up and told Jeremy what was going on. I went on a walk to try to keep things going. At one point I had a contraction so strong that I wet myself! I went home and Jeremy went and got me some bagels.

At about 9:00 I was tired, so I went back to bed. When I woke up, I decided that I wasn’t ready to have the baby during the day. So, I just went about my day and was having lots of contractions. At 3:30, Vivian came over to check on me. I had her strip my membranes, I was dilated 4 cm. After she left, around 4ish, we went to Walmart. I had some contractions that were so strong they stopped me in my tracks. By 6:30, things were really kicking into gear. I called Vivian and told her that I was having a baby tonight. At 7:00, Jeremy took Seth to our friends, the VanWagoner’s, house. He came home and cleaned and I labored. At 8:00, Heidi, my doula, got here and Jeremy went to get Seth. We got Seth to bed and I started really laboring.

This labor was so different from Seth’s. His was intense, but I had breaks between contractions. When Vivian got here around 8:30 or 9:00, I was ready to have this kiddo. I got into the tub and knew that this was different than my β€œdress rehearsal” labor the week before.

Things were pretty foggy between the time Vivian got here and when Amelia was born. These contractions were strong and intense and close together. Sometimes my legs would just shake with the energy that was coursing through my body. I just couldn’t believe how much energy was in my body. I remember at 10:00 I told Vivian that in an hour I wanted her to check me. I wanted to labor some more before she checked me, I wanted more time to dilate. At around 10:45 or so, she checked me and I was at 6 cm and had an anterior lip on my cervix. So, I decided to get on my knees in the tub. I vocalized a lot during this time and felt SO out of control. At 11:15 my water broke at the peak of a contraction. That felt so good, a huge relief of pressure, but then the contractions got stronger. I remember at one point Vivian, Jeremy and Heidi were all talking to me and I had to hush them!

Transition was so intense and so overwhelming that I really didn’t think I could do it anymore. At that point I knew I was almost done!! HOORAY!!!

When I started to feel the pressure of her head coming down I really didn’t want to push. I pushed so aggressively with Seth that I tore really badly. I was so scared of doing that again. So, I did what I call, horse lips. It’s when you make horse sounds. It really helped me to let her ease her way down. Then I said, β€œI have to push”. I pushed and her head came out. I asked Vivian, β€œIs she ok?”. She said, β€œYes, she’s fine”. However she wasn’t even looking! πŸ™‚ She then looked and said, β€œOh! There’s a head! Hello Baby!”. One more push and Amelia Mae was out!

I was the first to hold my precious daughter. My first thought was how much she looked like Seth! She was never out of my arms or sight. Shortly after the placenta was out, I got out of the tub and onto the couch. Jeremy and I got to sit there and look at Amelia and she sought out the breast. She nursed and was so happy!

We then went to the bedroom and she was weighed and measured – 7 lbs. 15 oz., 21.5 inches long. She is healthy and happy. And now that she is 6 weeks old, I can’t imagine my life without her. Jeremy and I often comment on how it feels so normal to have both Seth and Amelia here. I just hope that I can be a good enough Mommy to her and teach her how to honor herself as a woman and to be a kind and compassionate person.

August 5, 2006

August 5, 2006

So, I’ve been doing a lot of reading recently about the best way to teach children. I know how to teach an older child, but a 2 year old? Not so much. Anyway, I’m reading this book by Glenn Doman, How to Mulitply Your Baby’s Intelligence. This has gotten me thinking a lot about intelligence. The book brings up the point that our society is so afraid of intelligence. We actually fear it. We revere athletes, have pep rallys for them in high school, have the Olympics for them, and I admit it, I love College Basketball!!! However, what do we do for the smart kids? Ridicule them, ostracize them, and later say, “Man! Why didn’t I invent that??”.

Despite that…I am scared of teaching my son too much. I am scared of making him too smart. Why? Because I want him to fit in. I want him to be liked. I don’t want him to be a nerd or a geek. Can’t he be smart without being a nerd or a geek? I am sure he can. I just have to be sure that he gets lots of socialization and learns how to interact well with others.

This whole parenting thing is scary. It scares me everyday. I just hope I can be intelligent enough to give my children everything they need when they need it. To know when to back off and to know when to push harder.

Today we are going up to Kaysville and are blessing Amelia. My niece Tess (11 days older than Amelia) is being blessed also and my nephew Isaac (Tess’ brother) is being baptized. My whole side of the family will be there. We’re sad that Jer’s folks couldn’t make it…it kind of stinks living so far away from them 😦

Ok, i have to go, Amelia needs to eat and Seth is poopy and tearing apart (literally) the bookshelf!!! Ah, the life of Pooh Corner.

The House at Pooh Corner…

August 4, 2006

That is our home. I am Kanga, Jer is Tigger, Seth is Roo and Amelia is Piglet (Pliget). That is how this blog got it’s name. So, welcome to our sot in the 100 acre wood. πŸ™‚

I will be posting about the comings and goings of our family, what we are up to and my general musings about life.

So…what’s going on with us now — I’ll start with the youngest and go up.

June 23, Amelia Mae joined our family. She was born at 12:06 am after a relatively short labor. I’ll blog her birth story next, promise! πŸ™‚ She is now almost 6 weeks and the time has flown. She really is a happy baby, minus the crying when she has to poop. She really hates those bodily functions. She loves it when Daddy bounces with her on my big exercise ball though. It is kind of funny. She’s taken her share of beatings by her older brother. He has only hit her on purpose once, all the other times, he has accidentally hurt her. Today, it was stepping on her head. Poor little girl 😦 She is getting really big and is just so so sweet.

Seth…well, he is a different kind of animal for sure. He is SO active and SO wild!!! We are going to start doing school with him now. I think that he gets bored and needs some challenge. So, I am getting some help from one of my good friends and am going to figure out how to help him to reach his full potential. Seth loves to take things apart, figure out how things work and gets so concentrated when he is working on something. It just blows my mind. He knows his ABC’s and numbers and loves to sing all the time.
We attempted to potty train him for a couple days, that didn’t work so well though. He would go on the potty when we took him, but rarely would go on his own. After lots of pooping in his underwear and peeing on the floor, the last straw came on Friday morning. He had pooped in his underwear, so I let him go naked. He was really good about telling me if he had to go as long as he was naked. So, Jeremy’s at the table eating breakfast and Seth is standing on one of the chairs. He then peed on the table, right by his Daddy’s breakfast. That was it. He’s in diapers again. I really don’t recommend trying to potty train when you have a newborn either. Not so easy when you have a baby on the boob all the time! πŸ™‚

Jeremy is still working on getting a job. He graduated in May with his Master’s in Bioengineering. So, since then, he’s been looking for a job. He really wants to work in Orthopaedics with specialty in joint and spine…however, all of the companies he wants to work for want 2-3 years experience. So…he is going to start looking for jobs in the Medical Device industry right now. He gets pretty discouraged, and with good reason, but he keeps on going and keeps on working at finding something.

Me…um, I’m kind of having a hard time. This time of year is always so hard for me, for all of us. Emma would be 3 years old now. I look at Amelia and I see so much of Emma. I call her Emma sometimes too. Sometimes I can’t believe that was really my life. I look back and realize that was a different person, a different time. I miss that life. I miss the innocence of it all, the naieve way I thought that my children would live forever, that I would watch Emma grow and learn and be my sweet girl here on this earth forever. Ah, how life changes so quickly.

There have been 3 young children die in our community recently – one girl, 2 boys. The little 5 year old girl was kidnapped and murdered, and 2 boys’ car was washed away in a flash flood — the 1 year old’s (as far as I know) body was never found and the 5 year old died days later. It breaks my heart and brings things back to life for me. Not that I ever forget it…it’s just that the pain gets less intense, then something like this happens. It’s like ripping a bandaid off, it hurts.

My heart just breaks for these families. I know how much I have suffered, and I didn’t have the media watching me. However, there were times when I couldn’t understand how the world could keep going. How is it that my daughter could die and it wasn’t news? That not everyone in the world was hurting and grieving with me? But, I didn’t have people passing judgement on me and how my daughter died and that happens a lot.

Anyway, that was a lot of my sad talk…there will be more this month for sure, so if you want to ignore my posts this month, I don’t blame you.

So…that is what is happening at the house at pooh corner. Stay tuned for more πŸ™‚