Ah…the sound of silence

I never realized how much I could enjoy the sound of the dryer, the swing and my fingers tapping on the keyboard πŸ™‚ Seth is down for a nap, Amelia is asleep in her swing and I have a few minutes to myself. So, what do I do?? I get online. πŸ™‚

We went to see the midwife yesterday for my 6 week checkup. Amelia is 7 weeks old today and weighs 12 lbs!!! She has also grown 2 inches since birth. She’s a big girl! She really has a good temperment…most of the time.

Today, I had a very bad Mommy moment. We were in the car and Amelia was FREAKING out. She was really getting borderline hysterical, so I told Jeremy to pull over anywhere so I could nurse her. She didn’t want to eat, so I changed her diaper. That didn’t help either. So, as I was trying to figure out what was wrong with her, Seth was screaming “KANGA, KANGA, KANGA!!! GIVE HER HER BINKIE! KANGA, WHAT’S WRONG?” and other things that were not so helpful. I told him to shut up. Oh man do I feel bad. I also smacked his mouth because he wouldn’t stop screaming. Oh, the look on his face…I feel like the absolute worst mother in the world. When I went in to tuck him in for his nap I apologized again and he said, “You don’t hit me in the car anymore.” Oh man, if that doesn’t break your heart… 😦

I think the stress is getting to me. I think I’ve adjusted pretty well to having 2 earth bound angels with me. But, this whole job thing. Jeremy is home all the time, and while I know he isn’t, I feel like he’s watching me and judging everything I do. I know he isn’t…but it is hard havig him here 24/7. I know it’s hard for him too. I just wish that some company out there would see what a great person he is and how qualified he is and give him a job!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot about faith recently. It is funny, I have faith that I will see Emma again. I have faith that my family is eternal. I can have faith in the promises God has made in that respect. But, I’m having a really hard time believing that we will always be taken care of. We have one month left, then we’ll be in a “van down by the river” (thanks Chris Farley!). While we joke about that a lot, it is a real fear for us. We do what the Lord has asked of us, we pay our tithing, we pay our fast offerings (tithing is 10% of our income given to the Lord, and Fast Offerings is whatever we can give once a month to help those who are less fortuneate – usually equivelent to the 2 meals you miss when fasting). We’ve been promised that if we do these things, we will never be in need of the necessities…but I’m a little selfish, I want some comforts. I want to be able to go get a muffin if I want one from Wild Oats. I want to buy Ice Cream when I’m at the grocery store if I feel like it. I want to be able to get my kids that cute outfit that is on clearance at Target….I’m selfish like that I guess.
Ah faith…to hope for things which are not seen, but which are true. I just have such a hard time seeing that this will end, but I know it will. It’s like the story my Mom has told me many times about how you have to take a step (or lots in our case) in the darkness and then the light will come. It will come.

So, on a good point…I’m going to be an aunt again! Jeremy’s sister, Melissa, is pregnant. She is scared but way excited. So am I!!! As you all know, I am quite a birth junkie, I am an advocate for educated birth (whether it is natural or medicated) and breastfeeding. It is hard for me to bite my tongue and wait for her to ask questions, but I am bound and determined to do so. I don’t want to be that crazy sister-in-law who pushes her and she gets sick of hearing from me πŸ™‚ So…I am just so thrilled and sitting back πŸ™‚ I figure it’s good practice for when my children have babies. I’ll have to do the same thing then too! πŸ™‚

Well, I don’t know how much longer my silence will last, so I better get to the other things I need to do during this beautiful time.

Until next time…

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2 Responses to “Ah…the sound of silence”

  1. Kelly Says:

    Kim, As I was reading your story, tears came to my eyes as I was thinking about how you went through all of this three years ago, almost exactly. Remember when Jeremy couldn’t find a job after graduating and then you guys moved to Olathe and Emma died and then suddenly you were in Utah? I know it was a REALLY rough time for you but I remember when things had quieted down that you reflected that everything had worked out perfectly in regards to Jeremy’s job situation…that being in Utah was exactly where you needed to be. I cannot help but think that as mindful as He was of you then, He must surely be as mindful of you now. It’s got to be hard (& scary) to be patient and wait, but I think it will all work out in the end.

    On a separate note, the LUW reunion is this week at my house, want me to pass any news along for you?

  2. Nicole Says:

    Kim, You are the most amazing mom I know. Everyone has a down day….remind me to tell you about my trip to the urgent care clinic yesterday. Not one of my finer moments. I love you!!!

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